God is faithful

Life...it can be so hard sometimes.

We have had many hardships over our marriage. To some, they are not that big in the way of hardships. Some have had way more to deal with than we have had to deal with. But, still the same, they have been hardships to us.

One of the first hardships was having to leave Pensacola, FL. We really loved it there. We had searched all of Pensacola for a job, but Michael could not find one. We had gone 5 weeks without getting paid, because the company that he worked for was struggling financially. We knew that we could not go any longer without a paying job. God was faithful. It would not have been our choice to leave Pensacola, FL. We had so many memories there. It is where we met, began dating, got engaged, and began our newly married life in a "Fonzie" garage apartment. God brought a job in Pennsylvania to us. We did not go searching for it. Michael did not even want to apply to it...he thought he was not qualified. I told him "the worst they could say is no." (which is one of my philosophies) They interviewed him over the phone, flew him to PA for an interview, and within 5 weeks we were living in PA. It ended up being our favorite place we have ever lived. We loved it there.

The next hardship was Michael's dad getting sick with cancer again. He had to have surgery and have his voice box removed. Dad Smith was a talker, so this absolutely devastated him. This was truly so difficult. We were so far away. We had so looked forward to their retired life in PA in the "cabin" they had bought near us. What would happen now?

In the midst of that hardship, we had some really hard news regarding my mom and dad. This was devastating news. I really struggled with this because I was the child that lived near them. I got so many phone calls that ripped me apart...I became counselor to them. I took all of their struggle on my shoulders. It was heartbreaking. In the end, to work things out, they moved to Oregon. I cannot even tell you how difficult this was for the boys and I. We had spent 8 years in PA with my mom being a big constant in our lives. She came and spent time with us all of the time...sometimes even staying overnight. The boys loved that so much.

At the same time as the hardship above, I became pregnant. I was thrilled. I had a hard time getting pregnant with Jar and an even more difficult time getting pregnant this time. It truly was a blessing. At 14 weeks, I lost the baby. This was the most devastating thing to me. I still cannot talk about that miscarriage without tearing up...sometimes sobbing. I honestly believe that the struggle with my parents was just too much for me. I can't know for sure, and I don't blame them at all, but I think that this struggle was just too much strain on me.

The next hardship was that I began getting really sick about 3 months after my miscarriage and the struggle with my parents. It took me 9 months to figure out what was wrong. I honestly felt like I was dying. I had many tests done and nothing came back positive. They narrowed it down to anxiety. I went on medication for around 9 months...just until I could get control of it and learn how to deal with it on my own. This anxiety has really changed my life. I don't like what it has done to me. I have learned to deal with it, but it will probably always have a hold of me...of that I am very sad.

During this time of trying to get my anxiety under control, Michael's dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. There was nothing more they could do. I still remember that phone call like it was yesterday. Michael was sitting at his desk in the study. He just broke down sobbing. All I could do was stand there and rub his back. At this point, we did not know what to do. It all seemed so hopeless. This was Michael's best friend in the whole world. He was his best man at the wedding. They did everything together. How could he possibly make it without his dad? This was not fair. This could not be happening. This was one of the hardest hardships ever. He died on April 5, 2005. Michael has not been the same person since his dad's death. How could he be?!

At this same time, we had difficulties with our church and it's leadership. We ended up leaving our family...our home. This church had become our home for the past 7 years. We loved it there. We loved the people there. It was heartbreaking to leave. We have not been the same since leaving...we have not found our church home since then. I had no idea you could hurt so much when leaving your church home and family. We lost our dearest friends when we left. It was never the same. I don't think it will ever be the same.

Then...as if any more could possibly happen...we were moving from our "HOME" in PA to the huge city of Orlando, FL. I was still struggling with anxiety. The boys were young and had called PA their home for many years. The boys and I struggled so much. We knew no-one. We homeschooled, which isolated us more. We ended up finding the right church for us, but it was over an hour away from us in Orlando traffic. We could not really get involved. It was just so far away. My anxiety spiraled pretty much out of control. I was having trouble with terrible dizziness, which was associated with anxiety. It was awful. I slept a lot of my nights in a recliner to help with the dizziness. I did not even feel like myself.

We knew that the Orlando life was not for us long-term. Michael loved his job. If we could have moved Campus Crusade to somewhere else, we may have been able to stay. It was devastating, because how often do you find a job that you absolutely love.

The next hardship was where to go next. What did God want us to do? We thought that it was Hume Lake in CA. Everything seemed perfect for this opportunity. Michael had always wanted to work at a camp. When this did not work out, because of many reasons, we felt stuck. We felt like we had no other options. But, God was faithful. He told us to move to Oregon. We had planned to move at the end of the summer (it was April at this point). All of our plans fell apart. Our summer house stay fell apart. We had nowhere to go, and yet we had to be out of our house in a weeks time. God took care of everything. We stayed in another family's house for 5 weeks before we moved. That was certainly out of our comfort zone--we are very private people. This family was so generous. God used them tremendously. We moved to Oregon without a job, without a house, without any direction. But...God was faithful. He took care of us. Michael had a job in less than a month, and a month later we were closing on a house.

Since this time, God has taken care of us in so many ways. He provided us with a wonderful house, a fantastic camper, two wonderful vehicles, and so much more.

We have had three more hardships in our life though, even in the midst of these wonderful things. The first hardship was Michael losing his job at DEA in June of 2011. This was absolutely devastating. He loved that job so much, and he loved working for that company. I think it was his favorite job of all of the jobs he has ever done. I will also never forget that day. It was a Wednesday...he came home early...and I just knew what had happened. This was really hard for us. This also changed Michael. How could it not?! It took him a little over 2 months to find a job, but it felt like 2 years. We really cut our budget to the bare minimum...eating eggs, oatmeal, and bean tortillas for most of those 2 months. We did not vacation or camp that summer. It was a really hard summer. We thank God for this new job, but there are also difficulties with it. It is a different environment than he is used to, and the drive is just killer (a waste of time).

The next hardship was leaving our church and searching for another one. I never thought finding the right church could be so difficult. If it was just Michael and I, it would not be so hard. But, with the boys being teenagers, it makes it more difficult. We are looking toward their future of finding a spouse. We are more cautious about what we choose.

The most recent hardship was losing my dad this past November. It was a shock. It came on us suddenly. He started not feeling well in September. He was diagnosed with liver cancer in October, and he died in November. We were all in shock. He always seemed so healthy. He ate really clean and kept his whole life really balanced. It still does not feel real. I feel like I am in a dream that I will wake up from soon. I expect to see him or get a call from him any day. It just has not set in yet.

But...through these trials and hardships, one thing remains true...God is faithful. He has been with us every step of the way. He has been our constant in the midst of so much change. We have seen His hand on our family and in our lives. This song by Steven Curtis Chapman is so wonderful. It hits everything spot on.